Graceful Tools of the Incompetance

Where do we go from here?

Today, we are going to discuss the difference between having patience with a person in a relationship and enabling or making excuses for them. While both can look similar on the surface—especially when dealing with challenges—they come from fundamentally different places and lead to different outcomes.

Definitions

Patience

Patience in a relationship is a conscious, compassionate, and often strategic decision to endure temporary challenges or imperfections in your partner while supporting their growth. It involves...

• Recognizing their potential and efforts to improve

• Understanding that growth takes time

• Setting healthy boundaries while maintaining emotional support

  
  

Enabling & Making Excuses

Enabling is the act of shielding someone from the consequences of their behavior in ways that ultimately hinder their growth. Making excuses adds justification to their unhealthy or toxic actions. It often involves...

• Rationalizing repeated harmful behavior

• Absorbing responsibility for their issues

• Avoiding confrontation to keep the peace

  
  

Core Differences

Element	Patience	Enabling/Making Excuses
Intent	Support their growth while maintaining your standards	Avoid conflict or pain by overlooking harmful behavior
Boundaries	Present and maintained	Often weak or nonexistent
Accountability	Encourages personal responsibility	Deflects or diminishes responsibility
Behavior Patterns	Temporary or improving over time	Persistent and unchanged
Emotional Health	Preserves both partners' dignity and well-being	Leads to resentment, burnout, or co-dependence
Communication	Honest, direct, and constructive	Often avoids hard truths or downplays issues

Examples

Patience Looks Like:

• Giving grace when your partner forgets a date, but acknowledging the hurt and encouraging mindfulness.

• Supporting a partner through mental health challenges while expecting them to actively seek help or engage in healing.

• Understanding your partner’s trauma response, but setting clear boundaries to ensure it doesn’t harm you or the relationship.

  
  

Enabling Looks Like:

• Justifying repeated lying or manipulation by saying, “They had a tough childhood.”

• Continuing to loan money to a partner who never pays you back and shows no sign of financial responsibility.

• Staying in a relationship where disrespect is constant, believing “they’ll change when they’re ready.”

  
  

Long-Term Outcomes

Perspective	Patience	Enabling
Self-Respect	Maintained or grows stronger	Gradually eroded
Partner’s Growth	Encouraged by accountability	Often stunted or reversed
Relationship Health	Strengthens with mutual effort	Becomes unbalanced and unhealthy
Emotional Load	Shared and managed	Heavily skewed to one person

Questions to Ask Yourself

To determine whether you're being patient or enabling, ask:

• Is this behavior improving over time, or staying the same?

• Am I being honest with myself about how this affects me?

• Have I communicated my boundaries clearly?

• Is there any mutual effort or only one-sided sacrifice?

• Am I avoiding hard truths for the sake of comfort?

  
  

Cultural and Historical Context (Especially in Black Relationships)

In many Black communities, there’s an added complexity: generational trauma, systemic pressures, and cultural expectations may teach us to “hold someone down” at all costs. This can blur the line between patience and enabling, especially when we're told:

• “Black men need extra grace because the world is hard on them.”

• “Black women should be ride-or-dies and never give up on their man.

  
  

While culturally understandable, these narratives can:

• Justify long-term suffering in the name of love

• Promote emotional martyrdom

• Stall accountability and personal development

  
  

True love in our communities should include healing, equity, and growth—not tolerating harm.

Having patience is an act of love that involves truth, time, and boundaries. Enabling is a distortion of love that often comes from fear, guilt, or trauma. Knowing the difference is key to sustaining not only a healthy relationship but also a healthy sense of self.