The Lost Art of Choosing Each Other

Are We Really Looking for Love, or Are We Just Looking for Options?

There is a question that every Black man and Black woman should sit with:

Are we looking for someone to build with, or are we collecting options to avoid being hurt?

Because those two things look very similar from the outside, but they create completely different futures.

We live in a time where access has increased, but connection has decreased. Social media has created a world where everyone appears replaceable. Dating apps have created endless possibilities. Every day, people are exposed to hundreds, even thousands, of potential partners. The problem is that when the mind becomes addicted to options, the heart struggles to appreciate what is already in front of it.

The danger of unlimited options is that people start treating relationships like subscriptions. When one no longer feels excited, they cancel and search for the next one.

But love was never designed to be an endless search.

Love was designed to be a deliberate choice.

A daily choice.

A conscious decision to say:

"Out of everyone I could choose, I choose you."

That is where the concept of kenosis enters the conversation.

Understanding Kenosis: The Self-Emptying Love We Say We Want

The word kenosis comes from the Greek word meaning "self-emptying." Traditionally, it refers to humility, sacrifice, and the willing lowering of oneself in the service of another.

In relationships, kenosis represents something powerful:

Not losing yourself.

Not becoming someone's servant.

Not accepting disrespect.

Instead, it represents the willingness to empty yourself of selfishness, pride, ego, and fear so that love has room to grow.

A kenosis relationship asks:

"How can I pour into you?"

"How can I understand you?"

"How can I make your life better while still honoring myself?"

It is the opposite of modern dating culture, where many people ask:

"What can you do for me?"

"What benefits do I receive?"

"What happens if someone better comes along?"

Many people say they want a deep connection, but deep connection requires something many people are afraid to give:

Access to themselves.

The Problem: People Stop Discovering Each Other

Think back to the beginning of many relationships.

The phone calls lasted for hours.

You stayed up late talking about childhood memories, dreams, fears, and goals.

You read books together.

You discussed spirituality.

You challenged each other's perspectives.

You wanted to know everything.

You wanted to understand their mind.

You wanted to understand their heart.

But then something changed.

The relationship became comfortable.

And comfort slowly became complacency.

The conversations became shorter.

The questions stopped.

The curiosity disappeared.

People stopped asking:

"Who are you becoming?"

And started assuming:

"I already know you."

But the reality is this:

You never finish getting to know another human being.

People evolve.

People heal.

People struggle.

People change.

The person you fell in love with five years ago is not the same person today.

And if you are not intentionally learning from each other, you are slowly becoming strangers.

To Black Men: Leadership Requires Continual Love

Black men often talk about wanting respect, loyalty, peace, and a woman who supports them.

But leadership is not simply about being followed.

Leadership is being worth following.

A man cannot demand a woman's submission while refusing to provide emotional safety.

A man cannot ask a woman to trust his direction while refusing to communicate his heart.

A man cannot expect his partner to pour into him while he has stopped watering her.

True leadership is sacrificial.

It asks:

"Does my presence make her life better?"

"Does she feel protected emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?"

"Does she feel seen?"

The strongest kings are not the ones who control everything.

They are the ones who create an environment where their family can flourish.

To Black Women: Protect Your Heart, But Do Not Build a Prison Around It

Black women have carried enormous burdens.

Many have been forced into survival mode.

Many have had to become strong because life demanded strength.

Many have experienced disappointment, betrayal, abandonment, and relationships where they gave more than they received.

So when some women say:

"I don't need anyone."

"I am good by myself."

"I have options."

Sometimes those words don't come from confidence.

Sometimes they are coming from protection.

But there is a difference between protecting your heart and locking it away.

A guarded heart may prevent pain.

But it can also prevent intimacy.

The right question is not:

"Can I survive without someone?"

The question is:

"Have I created space for someone healthy to love me?"

Your independence is beautiful.

Your standards are important.

Your ambition is powerful.

But don't allow yesterday's wounds to punish tomorrow's possibilities.

Submission and Leadership: Two Sides of the Same Coin

There is often confusion around submission.

Healthy submission is not weakness.

It is not losing your voice.

It is not becoming invisible.

Healthy submission is trust.

It is saying:

"I trust your heart enough to walk with you."

But trust cannot be demanded.

It must be earned.

Likewise, leadership is not domination.

Leadership is service.

A husband who wants respect must demonstrate responsibility.

A wife who wants a partnership must demonstrate trust.

Both people have a responsibility.

The husband must continue pursuing.

The wife must continue engaging.

The relationship must continue growing.

Why People Are Leaving After Six Months

One of the biggest questions we need to ask ourselves is:

When people say they have "exhausted all possibilities," what does that actually mean?

Because sometimes six months is not enough.

Sometimes, six months is when the excitement wears off, and the real work begins.

The honeymoon phase ends.

The masks fall.

The flaws appear.

The triggers appear.

The differences appear.

And now the relationship requires maturity.

Many people don't leave because the relationship failed.

They leave because the relationship began to require them to grow.

Growth is uncomfortable.

Accountability is uncomfortable.

Vulnerability is uncomfortable.

It is easier to find someone new than to become someone new.

The Fear of Vulnerability

Everyone says they want honesty.

But honesty requires vulnerability.

A man has to admit when he is afraid.

A woman has to admit when she feels insecure.

A man has to reveal his wounds.

A woman has to reveal her fears.

But many people would rather have options than vulnerability.

Because options create emotional armor.

"If this doesn't work, I have somebody else."

"If they hurt me, I can replace them."

But replacement is not healing.

Avoiding pain does not create intimacy.

It creates distance.

Polygamy, Polyamory, and Relationship Structures Are Not the Enemy

Today, conversations around polygamy, polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, and alternative relationship structures often create strong reactions.

But the structure itself is not always the issue.

The question is:

What is the purpose behind it?

Are people building something intentional?

Or are they avoiding commitment?

Are they creating more love?

Or are they creating more opportunities to escape accountability?

Adding people does not fix character problems.

It multiplies them.

Any relationship structure requires:

Honesty

Boundaries

Emotional maturity

Communication

Consent

Responsibility

A person who cannot properly love one person will not magically become better at loving multiple people.

The Questions We Should All Be Asking

Before chasing another option, ask:

Will this person be there when life becomes difficult?

Will this person sit beside me in sickness?

Will this person care for me when I cannot care for myself?

Will this person know my pain before I speak it?

Will this person pick me up when I fall?

Because attraction is temporary.

Excitement fades.

Bodies change.

Money changes.

Circumstances change.

But character reveals itself when life becomes inconvenient.

Stop Taking Silence as Acceptance

One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming:

"They haven't complained, so everything is fine."

No.

Sometimes silence means someone is tired.

Sometimes silence means someone has given up explaining.

Sometimes silence means someone is emotionally preparing to leave.

Avoidance is not peace.

Distance is not healing.

A person pulling away is not always giving you freedom.

Sometimes they are grieving the relationship while still standing beside you.

The Greatest Relationship Skill: Knowing Your Person

Imagine knowing your partner so deeply that:

You know what their smile means.

You know what their silence means.

You know when they need comfort.

You know when they need space.

You know the dreams they are afraid to say out loud.

You know the battles they fight privately.

That is intimacy.

Not simply knowing someone's body.

Knowing someone's soul.

To The Black Kings and Queens: Choose Each Other Again

The goal is not to find someone perfect.

The goal is to find someone worth choosing.

And then continue choosing them.

Every day.

Through changes.

Through challenges.

Through seasons.

Because life moves faster than we realize.

One moment, you are young.

Then you blink.

Your children are grown.

Your body changes.

Your responsibilities change.

And suddenly you realize time was never waiting for you.

So while people are chasing endless options, ask yourself:

"Am I building something that will still matter when the excitement disappears?"

Because one day, the person you ignored may no longer be waiting.

One day, the door may close.

One day, the person who sacrificed for you may decide they deserve someone who sacrifices for them.

Love is not maintained by assumption.

Love is maintained by action.

Choose wisely.

Choose intentionally.

Choose with humility.

Because the greatest luxury in this world is not having endless options.

The greatest luxury is having someone who knows all of you...

...and still chooses you.

Ashè. Peace and blessings.