Surprise It's You

Unpacking Self-Sabotage: Take a look in the mirror. At times, our worst enemy.

How Black Americans Sometimes Undermine Their Relationships

Relationships are complex for everyone—but within the Black American community, there are layers of complexity that make romantic connections even more challenging. While systemic oppression and external pressures play a massive role, there are also quieter internal dynamics at play. One of the most unspoken is self-sabotage—conscious or unconscious behaviors that undermine our chances at healthy, lasting love.

Let’s explore some ways this shows up and why it’s more common than we might think.

Distrust Rooted in Survival

Many of us grow up in environments where trust isn't a given—it's earned and often lost. Generations of betrayal—by systems, partners, and even family—can create deep wounds. That trauma doesn’t disappear when we fall in love. Instead, it can manifest as hypervigilance, control issues, or pulling away before we get hurt.

The self-sabotage: Expecting abandonment, we leave before we’re gone.

Fear of Vulnerability

Vulnerability has not always been safe for Black people. In a world where we're told to be "strong," "stoic," or "independent," opening up can feel like exposure. This is especially true for Black men and women, who are often forced to wear emotional armor.

The self-sabotage: We withhold affection, refuse to communicate our needs, or mock emotional openness as a weakness.

Overcorrecting for Generational Patterns

We often try to avoid the mistakes we see in our parents or communities. If someone grew up with an absent father, they might be overly controlling or possessive. If they saw infidelity, they might be obsessed with loyalty tests.

The self-sabotage: Instead of creating something new, we live in reaction to the past, not in alignment with the present.

Chasing Perfection (and Missing Real Love)

Media, trauma, and cultural narratives have shaped an idealized vision of what our partner "should" be. Sometimes we set unrealistic standards as a shield. If no one meets them, we never have to risk intimacy.

The self-sabotage: Constantly finding fault, never satisfied, always searching for “the one” but afraid to commit.

Toxic Independence

Independence is beautiful. It’s also a survival mechanism. But when it becomes a badge of pride that says, “I don’t need anyone,” it can prevent closeness. Interdependence—mutual reliance—isn’t a weakness. It’s love in action.

The self-sabotage: Refusing help, pushing partners away, or seeing compromise as defeat.

Generational Silence Around Emotional Health

Therapy, emotional language, and healing weren’t always accessible to us. That silence echoes in how we deal (or don’t deal) with conflict, resentment, and personal growth. Many of us weren’t taught to love—just how to hustle, protect, and endure.

The self-sabotage: Avoiding difficult conversations, denying mental health struggles, or confusing chaos with passion.

So What Can We Do?

Start with self-awareness. 

Recognize patterns without shame.

Heal on purpose. 

Therapy, journaling, spiritual practices—find what works for you.

Create new narratives. 

Your history isn’t your destiny. Write new love stories.

Practice vulnerability.

It’s not always safe, but it's always brave.

Self-sabotage isn’t about being broken—it’s about being wounded. And those wounds deserve attention, not judgment. As Black Americans, we carry heavy loads. But real love should be where we get to set those loads down.

It’s time to stop seeing love as a battlefield and start seeing it as a garden. We have to tend to this with patience, courage, and care.