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We all will get what we deserve. Death and change.

Not Every Woman Deserves a Provider, Not Every Man Deserves Loyalty

In the modern dating world—especially within the Black community—there’s a constant conversation about what people deserve in relationships. “I deserve a man who provides.” “I deserve a woman who’s loyal.” These phrases echo through social media timelines, podcasts, and barbershop debates. But when you strip away the noise, the truth is much more complicated: not every woman deserves a provider, and not every man deserves a woman’s loyalty.

That’s not meant to be harsh—it’s meant to be honest. A relationship isn’t about entitlement; it’s about exchange. It’s about energy, effort, understanding, and growth. Too often, people want the rewards of love without the responsibility that comes with it.

The Provider Complex

Let’s start with the idea of the “provider.”For many Black men, that label carries generational weight. We were raised to equate manhood with providing, to measure our worth by how much we can give materially or financially. But being a provider should never be about proving your worth to someone who doesn’t value you beyond what’s in your wallet.

Some women want a provider but aren’t prepared to nurture the kind of peace, respect, and emotional balance that encourages a man to continue showing up in this way. You can’t demand provision from a man while offering criticism instead of compassion, or competition instead of cooperation. Provision isn’t just about money—it’s about emotional stability, safety, and trust. And when those things aren’t reciprocated, the role of “provider” becomes one-sided and exhausting.

The Loyalty Paradox

On the flip side, not every man deserves loyalty. Loyalty is sacred—it’s built, not owed. There are men who crave a woman’s devotion but consistently betray her trust, minimize her feelings, or fail to communicate. They want a woman to stand by them through the storms they created. But real loyalty can’t exist in an environment of dishonesty, ego, and neglect.

As men, we have to recognize that loyalty is earned through accountability and consistency. It’s not about controlling someone’s devotion; it’s about creating a space where devotion feels safe.

When Selfishness Masquerades as Self-Protection

One of the biggest issues in modern relationships is that people fail to recognize the subtle patterns that make their partners feel tense, hurt, or invalidated. Those small emotional cuts—the ignored texts, the dismissive tone, the lack of empathy—accumulate over time. They send a message that says, “My comfort matters more than your feelings.”

What’s really happening is that many of us are operating from a place of self-preservation rather than selflessness. We’ve been hurt before, so we start loving cautiously. We compare our partners to our past. We assume they’ll fail us before they even have the chance to prove otherwise. In doing so, we end up sabotaging something that could’ve been meaningful.

The irony is that selfishness often disguises itself as “protection.” But in trying so hard not to get hurt, we end up doing the hurting.

The Power of Selflessness

The truth is simple but not easy: love thrives in selflessness. Being selfless doesn’t mean losing yourself—it means understanding that your partner’s emotions matter just as much as your own. It means listening when it’s uncomfortable, apologizing when it’s necessary, and being willing to grow together instead of keeping score.

Relationships fall apart not because of grand betrayals, but because of small acts of neglect. When both people operate from a mindset of giving instead of taking, everything shifts. The focus moves from “what am I getting?” to “what are we building?”

Appreciating 100% Effort—Even When It Looks Different

At the end of the day, love isn’t about perfection—it’s about effort.If your partner is giving 100% of what they can, even if it doesn’t always look how you imagined, that deserves appreciation. We often get caught up comparing someone’s effort to what we think love should look like, or to what we’ve experienced in the past. But if someone is showing up, trying, growing, and giving in the ways they know how—that’s something to honor, not critique.

When you focus on what’s missing, you’ll always find something wrong. When you focus on what’s real, you’ll see how much beauty already exists in the moment.

Dating in the Black community has its unique challenges—historic, cultural, and emotional. But the core truth remains universal: relationships demand mutual effort, emotional awareness, and selflessness.

You can’t receive what you aren’t willing to give. You can’t ask for more while appreciating less. And you can’t move forward if you’re still stuck comparing someone new to the pain of your past.

Not every woman deserves a provider. Not every man deserves loyalty. But everyone deserves the truth. And if both people lead with honesty and humility, they might just find that the love they’ve been searching for has been waiting on the other side of their own growth all along.