Is Cheating Even Real?

Perception is not always everything.

Rethinking Infidelity

Let’s start with a bold question: Is cheating even real? It is not “real” in the sense of people stepping outside their relationships, because that happens. But “real” means that how we define and react to cheating might not come from us.

For many Black Americans, relationship norms have been shaped by a mix of generational trauma, systemic pressures, cultural resilience, and—like it or not—European standards of romantic and sexual behavior. We inherited values around fidelity and monogamy that don’t always align with our lived experience, historical context, or needs.

Cheating as a Social Construct

What if cheating isn’t about morality but about secrecy and unmet expectations? In a lot of cases, cheating is framed as the ultimate betrayal—proof that love, loyalty, or respect are absent. But for some, it’s a coping mechanism, a reaction to unaddressed emotional needs, or a response to the mismatch between personal desires and societal expectations.

The more significant issue might not be cheating—how we define “faithfulness,” setting up our relationships, and what we’re scared to say aloud.

The Role of Community Gaze

Let’s talk about “allowing people in your business.”In the Black community, privacy is protection. We’ve been conditioned, often for survival, not to let outsiders know what’s happening inside our homes. And for good reason. But that same protection can turn toxic when it becomes silent around dysfunction or shame about nontraditional relationship dynamics.

The fear of judgment often keeps people from performing relationships instead of living in them. Instead of building arrangements based on truth, we focus on what “looks right.” And when it cracks, we blame each other rather than question the framework we were forced to use in the first place.

Societal Norms and the Performance of Monogamy

Let’s be real: monogamy is often expected but rarely examined. Black folks are not a monolith, but there’s still a heavy pressure to fit within the dominant culture’s idea of what a “good” relationship looks like—heterosexual, married, monogamous, nuclear, and quiet.

But does that model work for everyone? And if it doesn’t, are people “cheating”—or are they trying to express their humanity in a system that doesn’t allow the whole truth?

Reclaiming Relationship Autonomy

Instead of centering the conversation on “cheating,” maybe we need to center it on authenticity. What agreements do we want? What are we willing to say out loud before things break? What would it look like to build relationship models rooted in our cultural values—honest, sustainable, and adaptive?

Because at the end of the day, the question isn’t just “why do people cheat?”

It’s: “Why are so many people afraid to design relationships that reflect who they are?”