I Know You're Lying!!!

United Readiness
Jul 7
3 min read

How to Call Someone Out on Their Unhealthy Patterns — With Compassion and Clarity

Whether it's a friend, partner, family member, or coworker, recognizing unhealthy patterns in someone we care about can be both painful and frustrating. Patterns like avoidance, self-sabotage, manipulation, victimhood, passive aggression, emotional withdrawal, or even toxic positivity can strain relationships, derail growth, and create emotional distance.

But how do you speak up? How do you call someone out without causing harm, triggering defensiveness, or damaging the connection?

This blog explores how to identify the right moment, frame the conversation, and engage with love, clarity, and courage.

Check Yourself First: Are You Ready for the Conversation?

Before pointing out someone else's behavior, take a moment to reflect:

Are you calm and grounded?
Are you aiming to help them grow or just vent your frustrations?
Are you also contributing to the pattern (even unintentionally)?

If your energy is reactive, angry, or judgmental, it may not land well. Calling someone out works best when it’s from a place of concern, not condemnation.

Tip: Journal your feelings first or talk it out with someone neutral to gain clarity before engaging.

Name the Pattern, Not the Person

Language matters. Avoid labels like “you’re toxic” or “you’re manipulative.” Instead, focus on the behavior or pattern.

Say: “I’ve noticed that when things get hard, you shut down and don’t respond for days.”

Not: “You’re emotionally unavailable.”

This distinction keeps the person from feeling attacked and helps them hear the feedback without being instantly defensive.

Use “I” Statements to Own Your Experience

Instead of pointing fingers, describe how the behavior affects you:

“When you disappear without communication, I feel anxious and uncertain about where we stand.”

“When you downplay everything with a joke, I feel like my concerns aren’t being heard.”

“I” statements humanize your experience and reduce blame, keeping the tone constructive.

Focus on Patterns, Not Isolated Incidents

Sometimes a person will say, “It was just one time,” as a way to avoid accountability. That's why calling out a recurring pattern is essential.

Use phrases like:

“This seems to be a repeated dynamic between us.”

“I’ve seen this come up a few times now, and I’m worried about the long-term impact.”

Framing it this way highlights the cumulative effect rather than a one-off event.

Make Room for Their Story

Unhealthy patterns often stem from trauma, fear, or unhealed wounds. If the space feels safe, give them a chance to reflect and respond:

“What do you think is behind that reaction?”

“Have you noticed this pattern in other areas of your life?”

“I’m not here to attack you—I really want to understand.”

This invites self-awareness rather than shame.

Be Clear About Boundaries

Calling someone out isn’t just about helping them grow—it’s also about protecting your peace.

If the pattern continues or becomes harmful, make your limits known:

“If this keeps happening, I may have to step back from this relationship.”

“I can’t continue to engage when I feel dismissed or gaslit.”

Boundaries show love for yourself and the relationship. They’re not punishments—they’re protection.

Stay Curious, Not Controlling

Your role isn’t to “fix” them. You can invite awareness and change, but transformation is their responsibility.

Avoid ultimatums, moral superiority, or pushing them to “hurry up and heal.” Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is plant the seed and let them water it.

Don’t Expect Immediate Change (But Watch for Willingness)

Unlearning patterns takes time. But what matters most is willingness:

Do they take responsibility?
Do they reflect on what you’ve said?
Are they open to feedback or growth?

If they deflect, dismiss, or blame—especially repeatedly—you may need to reevaluate your role in their life.

Know When to Step Away

If the person refuses accountability or uses your vulnerability against you, you’re not obligated to stick around.

Healing can’t happen where honesty isn’t welcome.

It’s okay to love someone and still protect your own peace. Walking away doesn’t mean giving up—it often means choosing yourself.

Celebrate Courage—Yours and Theirs

Having these conversations takes immense bravery. You’re modeling emotional maturity, setting a standard for respectful communication, and inviting real connection.

If they respond with grace and openness, acknowledge it: “I appreciate you hearing me out—that means a lot.”

If they don’t, acknowledge yourself: “I spoke my truth. That’s a win in itself.”

Calling someone out on their unhealthy patterns isn’t about blame—it’s about breaking cycles, deepening relationships, and refusing to enable dysfunction. It's a bold act of love and integrity, both for them and yourself.

Just remember: