A Quiet Storm in Our Communities

Topic for today: Egregious Behavior

Egregious behavior isn’t just “bad behavior.” It’s behavior that is so out of line, so sharp at the edges, that it cuts into the fabric of relationships, families, and communities. By definition, “egregious” means glaringly wrong or extraordinarily harmful. It’s the kind of conduct that makes you pause, blink twice, and wonder how someone could act that way with a straight face.

But in the Black community—where history has carved deep grooves of resilience, duty, and mutual reliance—egregious behavior often wears a different mask. It shows up in subtle, familiar ways. It hides behind expectation. It blends into tradition. Sometimes, it even looks like love.

What Egregious Behavior Really Looks Like

At its root, egregious behavior violates the fundamental laws of reciprocity, respect, and shared humanity. It’s behavior that drains instead of pours. It’s a behavior that expects without giving. It’s a behavior that uses someone’s strength as a crutch and then disappears when that strength falters.

Examples come easily when you know what to look for.

The relative who always calls you to fix their crisis but goes ghost when you’re drowning in your own.

The friend who praises your strength more than your well-being, because your strength is proper, but your vulnerability is inconvenient.

The community that calls on its “strong ones”—the eldest daughter, the dependable cousin, the neighborhood helper—but never pauses to ask, “Do you need anything?”

And here is the painful truth: many of our strongest people are suffering in silence because everyone has gotten comfortable using their strength but never nurturing it.

The Strong Black Helper: Respected, Needed… and Neglected

Many Black families and communities have that one person who holds everybody up.

The one who never has the luxury of falling apart.

The one who gives and gives until the well is cracked dry at the bottom.

They hold emotional labor, financial burdens, crisis management, family feuds, childcare, transportation, and spiritual encouragement—all at once. And the paradox is that their reliability becomes the very reason no one checks on them.

Their silence is mistaken for stability.

Their endurance is mistaken for infinite capacity.

Their pain becomes invisible because their performance of strength is so convincing.

This is where egregious behavior roots itself. Not always malicious—often unconscious—but deeply harmful.

Because strength without support becomes a slow, quiet kind of suffocation.

Pouring Into Others With an Empty Cup

When someone is always defending themselves, always rescuing, always showing up—they begin to live life in survival mode. Survival mode creates emotional calluses. It wears down the spirit. It leaves individuals guarded, reactive, tired, and misunderstood.

They feel:

-Overlooked

-Unappreciated

-Alone in rooms full of people they’ve helped

-Spiritually thirsty

-Exhausted enough to break, but too dependent to rest

Many people say, “God will see you through,” and that’s true. But God also sends people. God sends lessons. And when the same pain repeats itself, lesson after lesson, it’s often a sign that something isn’t being learned, acknowledged, or released.

The cycle says: Until you see what needs to be seen, you will walk this same path.

Not as punishment—

But as preparation.

People Will Always Be People

Human emotions are unpredictable. People show up sometimes, fall short other times, and disappear entirely depending on their own storms. Everyone is carrying something. But carrying something doesn’t excuse ignoring the suffering of the very person who has always carried you.

This is why self-care is not selfish.

This is why boundaries are not cruel.

This is why protecting your peace is not optional—it is sacred.

You can be selfless and still preserve a healthy dose of self-protection.

You can give, but not give past the point of breaking.

You can love others without abandoning yourself.

Peace is the treasure—not the money, not the hustle, not the grind.

Pay Attention When You’re Drowning

Rough waters reveal the truth about who’s really in your corner.

When you’re drowning, some people will:

-Dive in after you

-Throw you a life raft

-Sit at the shore and scream instructions

-Watch silently

-Walk away

-Pretend they don’t see the water at all

And sometimes, the ones who could help—who have the means, the time, the influence, the heart—simply won’t. Not because you’re unworthy, but because they’re either dealing with their own storms or they’ve become too reliant on your ability to stay afloat alone.

It’s not about being petty.

It’s not about “keeping score.”

It’s about remembering reality.

When you get out of that water—when your lungs are full again, when your feet find ground—remember who reached for you and who didn’t.

Give roses to the ones who showed up.

Honor the people who made space for you to breathe.

Build with those who reciprocate.

Create community with those who value your humanity, not just your capacity.

Connection Is the Source

“Blood is thicker than water” is only part of the story. Community—chosen or born into—is built on the shared drink of honesty, vulnerability, respect, and reciprocity. We are all connected. What affects one eventually ripples toward the many.

The goal isn’t to harden.

The goal isn’t to isolate.

The goal is balance.

Learn the lesson.

Care for yourself as fiercely as you care for others.

Recognize egregious behavior when you see it.

Protect your peace.

Honor the ones who honor you.

And always remember that connection—not burden—is what keeps us whole.

This kind of understanding turns survival into healing, and healing into legacy.